Funny

Here Are Some Of Joe Rogan’s Best Standup Jokes!

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it’s no secret that Joe Rogan is a hilarious dude.

Comedian, host, and commentator, Joe Rogan, is the perfect mix of high brow and low brow humor. In short, he makes some pretty spot on quips that appeal to basically everybody.

As a standup, he’s tackled religion, love, time travel, and how he’d explain Kim Kardashian to aliens.

Want to get a sense of the sense of humor of this standup gentleman who also does standup? Well, without further ado, here are some of his funniest jokes throughout his successful career!

“It’s called the Grandfather Paradox. The reason why a time machine is impossible is ’cause if you had a time machine, you could go back in time, and kill your grandfather before your father was ever conceived, thus you could have never existed to make that time machine. I’m like what kind of asshole wants to kill his grandfather.”

"It's called the Grandfather Paradox. The reason why a time machine is impossible is 'cause if you had a time machine, you could go back in time, and kill your grandfather before your father was ever conceived, thus you could have never existed to make that time machine. I'm like what kind of asshole wants to kill his grandfather."

“I personally think confession was just someone’s idea of a sick joke. One dude came up with it, then he died, and he forgot to tell everyone he was only f*ckin’ around. Think about the idea of confession. You take a guy who’s not allowed to masturbate, or have sex, ever, then you make him wear a costume, then he has to sit in a dark booth, and listen to f*ck stories whispered through a hole in the wall!”

"I personally think confession was just someone's idea of a sick joke. One dude came up with it, then he died, and he forgot to tell everyone he was only f*ckin' around. Think about the idea of confession. You take a guy who's not allowed to masturbate, or have sex, <i>ever</i>, then you make him wear a costume, then he has to sit in a dark booth, and listen to f*ck stories whispered through a hole in the wall!"

“Pot’s still illegal and no one has a jet pack. What the f*ck is going on? Isn’t this Silicon Valley? Where’s the jet packs, bitch?!”

"Pot's still illegal and no one has a jet pack. What the f*ck is going on? Isn't this Silicon Valley? Where's the jet packs, bitch?!"

“Guys don’t know they’re pussy whipped until it’s too late. Until you do something that lets you know, like when you shush your friends: ‘Hey, man, remember that time we went to Vegas and…?”Dude, shut the fuck up about Vegas! The f*ck are you doing? The window’s open, man! She’s somewhere in the city!'”

"Guys don't know they're pussy whipped until it's too late. Until you do something that lets you know, like when you shush your friends: 'Hey, man, remember that time we went to Vegas and...?''Dude, shut the fuck up about Vegas! The f*ck are you doing? The window's open, man! She's somewhere in the city!'"

“I was at home the other day, high as giraffe pussy, watching the History Channel and they had this documentary on In Search of Noah’s Ark, and I went ‘Uhhhhh, how ’bout you go lookin’ for the f*ckin’ Snuffleupagus while you’re at it? I heard that dude’s a-missin’!”

"I was at home the other day, high as giraffe pussy, watching the History Channel and they had this documentary on <em>In Search of Noah's Ark</em>, and I went 'Uhhhhh, how 'bout you go lookin' for the f*ckin' Snuffleupagus while you're at it? I heard that dude's a-missin'!"

“If aliens came down here and we had to explain human culture, what would be the most confusing thing to explain: Kim Kardashian.”

"If aliens came down here and we had to explain human culture, what would be the most confusing thing to explain: Kim Kardashian."

“How much is Joe Biden worth? Does that guy even get up before noon? Would the country would be exactly the same if Joe Biden didn’t exist. I say yes… I can do his job with three extra emails a day.”

"How much is Joe Biden worth? Does that guy even get up before noon?  Would the country would be exactly the same if Joe Biden didn't exist. I say yes... I can do his job with three extra emails a day."

“If you came home and your man was banging a fleshlight, no one would be happy about that. It’s weird. There is a certain social weirdness to it. Sex is supposed to be something people give you when they like you… It’s sort of like an incentive to be nice to people. ‘Nah, no time for that’ Something weird about f*cking something instead of a person.”

"If you came home and your man was banging a fleshlight, no one would be happy about that. It's weird. There is a certain social weirdness to it. Sex is supposed to be something people give you when they like you... It's sort of like an incentive to be nice to people. 'Nah, no time for that' Something weird about f*cking something instead of a person."

“Hey there Delilah what’s it like there in New York City? Don’t you want to answer that question. ‘I bet it’s awesome because you’re not there, you f*cking rhyming stalker weirdo.'”

<em>"Hey there Delilah what's it like there in New York City? </em>Don't you want to answer that question. 'I bet it's awesome because you're not there, you f*cking rhyming stalker weirdo.'"