Forget The Hamburgler Re-Branding, What’s Up Next For McDonald’s Grimace?

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You may have heard the news that McDonalds turned The Hamburgler into a certified “Dad Bro,” (an elder statesman who’s settled down to raise a family of four in the thirteen years we haven’t seen him).

Now that they’ve rebooted Ronald McDonald into a hipster and The Hamburgler as the HamBROguler, the logical question we are forced to contemplate is what is in store for Grimace?

You know, Grimace. That giant purple thing McDonalds once tried to tell us is “the embodiment of a milkshake (it was the 70s, people believed anything then).”

But relax, First Slice readers, we’ve got you covered. Here are some ideas as to how the organization can reboot Grimace!

Man-ny Grimmace – Sometimes “Dude Bro” Hamburgler needs to have a night out on the time with Mrs. Hamburgler, that’s when you call the next best thing to a babysitter, Grimace. Just don’t let him get too attached.

Grimace Joins Van Halen – Grimace fulfills his lifelong dream of playing with the legendary rock band. Audiences love it, because it sure as hell beats VanHagar. Just don’t forget: Ronald comes along on a 2 for 1 deal.

Pimp Grimace – Grimace is a cop who goes deep undercover on the streets. But what lengths must he go to in order to bring down a large underground crime ring?

The Movie Star – Grimace Stars in gritty reboot of the Face/Off franchise with Vin Diesel just to see if anyone notices.

Pro Wrestler – Grimace was originally portrayed as an evil villain who comes to the good side. And what better world for a heel to turn into a face than that of Pro Wrestling? Because if John Cena can exist, so can a giant lug like Grimace.

Dr. Grimace – Grimace finally cashes in on his lifelong experience in psychology and goes from McDonalds to McDonalds helping lost employees find their way. However, Dr. Grimace finds that it’s really the employees who help him find the way.

Art School Grimace – Art School Grimace isn’t going to lie to you, Art School Grimace has made some bad choices in his life. Mainly, trying to get rid Art School Grimaces’ crippling student loans by teaching art classes. But hey, Art School Grimace thinks that tree painting of yours is really coming along.

Keeping Up With The Grimaces – You always knew Grimace was a huge character, but wait until you meet his family. With his dad (Grim), his mom (Grimelda), and his three brothers and sisters who agree to appear on television (Grime, Grima, and Grinolium), the camera is there to follow the Grimaces every wacky move. Just don’t forget Grandma Grimmy.

Biggest Loser Grimmace – Tired of all the fat jokes, Grimace has enlisted himself as a contestant on the show and made a life-alterting change to his life. Mostly, cutting out McDonalds food.